


you took my soul and wiped it clean

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Falling In Love, Feelings, M/M, Not Beta Read, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 19:55:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20699000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: It's not easy, slowly learning that new reality, but it's not scary, because Yuzuru knows what to expect. And if he knows, he can deal with it, he can manage everything.Except one thing.Yuzuru is scared of unexepected, of things he can't control, like the way his heart skips a bit everytime Javi smiles at him, warm and easy, his eyes twinkling. It's startling, and Yuzuru doesn't know how to deal with it, what to think about it, how to react.





	you took my soul and wiped it clean

**Author's Note:**

> Little something I wrote this morning, I hope you enjoy! Title stolen from "All I want" by Kodaline

Canada isn't really scary.

Yuzuru was prepared for it, and he knew what to expect. So even though everything is different and unfamiliar, and English phrases are piercing his brain and feel weird when he tries to voice them, it's not terrifying. It's not easy, slowly learning that new reality, but it's not scary, because Yuzuru knows what to expect. And if he knows, he can deal with it, he can manage everything.

Except one thing.

Yuzuru is scared of unexepected, of things he can't control, like the way his heart skips a bit everytime Javi smiles at him, warm and easy, his eyes twinkling. It's startling, and Yuzuru doesn't know how to deal with it, what to think about it, how to react. When Javi pulls him into a hug for the first time Yuzuru's whole body tenses, not used to accepting affection from someone who is basically a stranger. Javi clearly senses it, because he runs his hand down Yuzuru's back and steps away, giving him a sheepish smile. He says something, heavy- accented and warm, but Yuzuru can't recognize the phrases, can't hear them through the loud pulsing in his ears. So he just nods awkwardly and walks away, wondering why his face feels so hot.

***

And then it happens again, Javi's arms around him, touching his waist, his neck, his face, and suddenly it's not unexpected anymore, but it still scares Yuzuru, a little bit, or maybe a lot. He's not afraid of Javi's touch, but of the fact that he craves it, that he wants Javi to pull him closer, hold him tighter, that he wishes for Javi's hand to linger on his cheek a bit longer. And it scares him, that he misses Javi the moment they say goodbye, that his heart flutters everytime Javi smiles at him, and Yuzuru feels himself melting, and he can't help it, he can't, he can't.

It's terrifying, to feel so much and not really understanding it.

***

The first time Javi takes his hand under the night winter sky, Yuzuru almost jerks away, the feeling of Javi's calloused hand holding his almost to much. Javi doesn't let go, though, and he smiles as he brushes his thumb over Yuzuru's knuckles.

"Where did you lose your gloves?" he asks, amused, and Yuzuru can't remember, he doesn't know where his gloves are and what to say, so he only gapes and watches how Javi's smile turns incredibly tender.

He doesn't say anything either, just entwines their fingers and doesn't let go.

***

"I'm scared." Yuzuru whispers into the silence of a locker room and Javi smiles at him softly, not moving.

"You know you don't have to be, right?"

"Not of you." Yuzuru says, meeting Javi's gaze "Of this." he touches his chest, presses his palm over his speeding heart, and it's the best confession he can make right now, the only one he has enough courage for.

Javi's smile dims a little, but his expression is still gentle, so gentle it hurts to look at him, so Yuzuru chooses to look at his own feet instead, his throat itching.

And then he hears slow footsteps, and sees Javi's shoes right in front of his, and he feels a gentle hand cupping his chin and making him look up. But Yuzuru is scared, so he closes his eyes and waits, and waits, and waits.

"It's all okay." Javi whispers and Yuzuru feels warm lips pressing against his cheek, and everything in Yuzuru burns, but he doesn't dare to open his eyes. He feels Javi drawing back, and he hears his footsteps, slow but sure, and everything inside him screams to move, but he doesn't.

He has no idea how long he stays like that, and when he opens his eyes, he realizes that he is crying.

***

It takes him years.

It takes him years, to take Javi's hand and lead him to a park nearby, sitting in the warm light of afternoon sun, and it takes so much courage, too look into Javi's eyes and wonder if it's not too late.

Javi is smiling, with the same smile he always has for Yuzuru, warm and tender, and he titls his head a little as he watches Yuzuru with something like amusement in his eyes.

"What is it?" he asks, light and playful, and Yuzuru swallows hard, squeezing Javi's fingers a bit too tight.

"I realized something." Yuzuru says "And I have to be brave."

Javi blinks, and then smiles even wider, his whole face brightening up.

"Yeah?" he murmurs, reaching to touch Yuzuru's cheek "And what's that?"

"That the thing that scares me the most is not my feelings, but the posibility of losing them. Of losing you."

It's freeing, to say it out loud, and to watch how Javi's eyes shine as he leans closer, his breath warm and fluttering against Yuzuru's lips.

"I knew it was worth it, waiting for you." he murmurs, thumb stroking alongside Yuzuru's jaw.

And when Javi kisses him, Yuzuru doesn't remember how it feels to be scared anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, don't hesitate to tell me what you think!


End file.
